My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!” — Rodney Dangerfield, “I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.”— Rodney Dangerfield. I refused to believe father, the road worker, was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there. Last week I helped my friend stay put – it’s a lot easier than helping someone move – I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. ↓ Because that’s the beauty of the one-liner, good or bad: it’s over before you know it. I tried writing with a broken pencil but it was pointless. The one-liner is a tried and true formula that gets quick laughs and will help make your kid the Rodney Dangerfield of preschool. I just flew in from New York and boy are my arms tired. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. What do you call cheese that’s not yours? I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. Here are funny one liner jokes and puns. Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… And yet, smoking bacon will cure it. When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them. So we stopped playing chess.” — Matt Kirshen, “Crime in multi-story car parks. It was very time-consuming. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory: all I did was take a day off! The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”. Funny One Liners Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Do you know how scientists freshen their breath? I gave him a glass of water. Attila the Hen. Mitch Hedberg (1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian The person who invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. He woke up. I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me. Lesbian Jokes << We have over 150 Categories of Jokes on our Main Page! She still isn’t talking to me. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof. I really hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves. Would a cardboard belt be a waist of paper? Give me the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk. Privacy Policy. Book. Who doesn’t love some good bad jokes — we do! I hate necks.” — Steve Martin, “Two fish in a tank. I’ll meet you at the corner! Unfortunately, they’re often lumped in the same category as bad jokes. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust. “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin. And while there are plenty of long-winded jokes for kids that last five minutes for a single punchline, who has the time? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. Visit our Privacy Policy for more info. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t. Please contact. Who doesn’t love some good. I hope there’s no pop quiz at the class trip to the Coca Cola factory. I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around. I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day. I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around. The one-liners given below have been said by people like you and me. Nacho cheese! If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. “, “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step he is too old to go anywhere.” — Billy Crystal, “Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” — Jerry Seinfeld, “Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. Whoever invented knock-knock jokes deserves a no-bell prize. I have a hunch, it might be me. Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it at a remote location. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing. My husband and I were happy for 20 years. Well, the flag is a big plus. Something went wrong. With that in mind, here are 20 clean, funny one-liner jokes for kids that will help them get to the punchline as quickly as possible. I haven’t decided yet.” – Stewart Francis, “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno, “I have a lot of growing up to do. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic. With that in mind, here are 20 clean, funny one-liner jokes for kids that will help them get to the punchline as quickly as possible. William E. Blundell. “Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?” I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen. They don’t remember the lyrics! What do dogs do when watching a DVD? “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally. I heard Cinderella tried out for the basketball team, but she kept running away from the ball. Keep the dream alive — hit your snooze button. Many more one liner jokes. If at first you don’t succeed with a crowbar, pry, pry again. I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers. All books over five hundred pages that weren’t written by Dickens or a dead Russian are better left on the shelf. That is wrong on so many different levels.” — Tim Vine, “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” —Will Marsh, “People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” — Abi Roberts, “A thesaurus is great. Last week I helped my friend stay put – it’s a lot easier than helping someone move – I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. Oops! On occasion, we also use cookies to collect information from our toddlers, but that’s a totally different thing. I just found out I’m colorblind. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot… but I always found them. The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. When everything is coming your way — you’re in the wrong lane. Married man one liner joke. A baseball walks into a bar —  the bartender throws it out. LGBTQ”> Quick, Funny Jokes! Things got a little tense. If you can’t convince them, confuse them. Share. I ate a clock today. “People tell me I’m condescending…” (Leans in real close) “That means I talk down to people. Get the best of Fatherly in your inbox, This Disney-Made Skinless Robot is Freaking Us Out, Bruce Springsteen's 'Letter To You' Movie Is a Must Watch, Stanley Tucci Is Probably Drinking Nice Cocktails Right Now, The Best Sean Connery Movie You've Never Seen, John Mulaney's 'SNL' Election Monologue Tackled the Grandparent Vote, Buy DVDs Again: Amazon Says You Don't Own Digital Purchases. And then we met. Not all funny one-liners for kids are created equal. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it: it’s all about balance. He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink. Leopards are terrible at hide-and-seek because they’re always spotted. I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me. Rather than teach your kid long, complex jokes, go with brevity, especially because these quick and funny one-liner jokes can be a little corny. Something went wrong please contact us at If you want more, check out these other jokes. I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day — that’s a bit of a stretch. I’m on a seafood diet. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple. Two burglars stole a calendar last night and they each got six months. If one doesn’t land, just move on to the next one. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing? I wanted to be a doctor but I didn’t have the patients. I had to put my foot down. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before they open their mouth. One Liner Jokes and Puns. From life lessons that bear repeating to meme-ified lines that have become part of our cultural lexicon, these hilarious movie one-liners are sure to crack you up. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers. There are three types of people: those who can count and those who can’t. An old friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a dead body. (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); (1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist. And when you want to impress your friends with your movie knowledge, check out these 30 Movie Facts That Will Blow Your Mind. They don’t techno for an answer.” — Joel Dommett, “My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson, I once saw two people wrapped in a barcode and had to ask — “are you an item?”. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan. I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Q: Why was the lesbian sick? Sign up for the Fatherly newsletter to get original articles and expert advice about parenting, fitness, gear, and more in your inbox every day. You will love our Coronavirus One Liner Jokes And Puns but firstly we would like to point out that the Coronavirus itself is no joke, it is serious and even deadly business. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis, “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin, “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.” — Joan Rivers, “Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.” — Ed Byrne, “I failed math so many times in school I lost count.” — Stewart Francis, “Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. Any married person should forget their mistakes. There was a kidnapping on a school bus but it’s fine. I’ve called the SWAT team!” — Greg Davies, “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” — Tom Ward, “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. No use two people remembering the same thing. Life is full of surprises, so let us enjoy it and savor all its flavors happily. Clement Freud (1924 – 2009) English broadcaster, writer, politician & chef. Insults Describing Margaret Thatcher. Animal testing is a terrible idea — they get all nervous and give the wrong answers, “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.

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